I thanked the friend and put it on the shelf

By Brian O'Flan

I brought some bottles of wine to my friend's for Chinese New Year. It was nothing too special, but drinkable. Scrumptious feasts of Chun Jie-past were often compromised at this particular friend's house by jug wine. So while it wouldn't be appropriate to bring my own jiaozi to bao, at least I could contribute to the libations. They were ready for me though. They had a bottle of red there this year, to compliment the MaoTai. Sipping, I waited.

By the time we'd moved from jiaozi to hot-pot we'd finished this first bottle. I had my eye on the Zinfandel we'd brought. It looked so lonely sitting there on the shelf. But it was not to be. They reached in and pulled out another bottle of red that they had at the ready. Sipping, I acknowledged that this wine of theirs OK. It was fine. It just wasn't as good as the food we were enjoying.

And as I poked around the hot pot, looking for pieces of do fu, I recalled a Thanksgiving from a few years back when these friends had been my guests. A friend of theirs who'd accompanied them brought a bottle of some bai jiu. I thanked the friend and put it on the shelf. Later when some Western friends arrived with a bottle of fancy wine they insisted on opening it and pouring some for everyone, immediately. In muted Chinese, I could hear the friend comment that we hadn't done the same with their bottle. And she was right. I'm certainly no better. They probably endured the evening with their lonely bottle staring down at them from the shelf I'd laid it on. We're all the same, when were hosting.

In Western culture its OK enjoy the food or drink, which a guest brings to dinner. It is also OK not to use it, if it doesn’t fit with the menu. I wonder if my Chinese hosts considered it bad form, to serve the beverages I’d brought. On the other hand, maybe they just didn’t think it would taste good.

I think the message is that the guest should relax and let the host, host. If you’re the guest take cue from the hosting culture. Don't get hung up on having whatever it is you brought acknowledged. As a guest you should let person who threw it all together to do their thing. Yours is to enjoy, or endure, but not to lead.

(Brian O'Flan is a columnist for CAEA newsletter)